Is sex like… good for you? (The plight of mediocre sex and why it shouldn’t be tolerated)


(Art by Jordyn Mcgearchin) 

Marla is my most sexually experienced friend.  One of my favorite moments, in our friendship, was discovering we both love monster hentai porn (still a personal favorite).  We hung out with different crowds.  I, a lesbian nerd.  She, a punk.  But, she was and is one of my dearest friends.  We’ve always gotten along due to our mutual curiosity, honesty, and sexual avidity.  

When I started having sex with boys, years after she did.  I asked her a very simple question, “is sex like… good for you?  I’d slept with one man, thus far (partaking in fairly vanilla sex).  Marla, had seriously dated and casually dated multiple guys.  She was explorative and experienced.  She also liked sex… from what I’d heard before.


“What do you mean?” She’d asked

“Like… do you, um, cum?”


I want to clarify, that I don’t think orgasm makes sex, sex.  Or, that anyone needs to orgasm to be healthy, happy, and/or good at sex.  But, to feel physically good during sex, is something I want.  Something I think I deserve and can get.  But, I do not, now.  I do not cum.  

I get a lot out of sex.  I get validation (wow, this cute boy wants to get naked with me!!!), emotional connection, fun, and I love giving someone else pleasure.  But, I do not cum… I don’t even get close.  

When I first realized this, and was questioned by my partners, “why don’t you, um, cum?” (I can’t stop saying “um, cum”), I thought something might be wrong.  I can cum on my own.  I can cum from my fingers, in the shower, with vibrators, watching porn, and/or watching tv.  I am physically very capable of orgasm.  But that didn’t stop me from jumping to the most extreme conclusions.  I even faked orgasms, which further exacerbated the problem as my partners didn’t think there was one.


“I cum now, but I didn’t for the first few year I had sex”.  That’s what she told me, that cold October morning.


I had slung a million questions at her after her admission.  Did she fake it? Did she still like sex?  Why did she cum, now?


And what I found, through talking to her, other woman, and perusing the internet, is that this is a more common story than not.  

Vulva’s are complicated.  Those with them, often have a harder time orgasming with partners, some more than others.

I’d never thought about how to instruct someone (verbally or otherwise) on how to touch my body.  So, I’ve begun to think about it… and now that I have, I realize I am far from abnormal.  But, out of coyness, ignorance, and vulva fear, have not been teaching my partners how to sleep with me.  No genitalia is the same.  Just like I learn my partners, they must learn mine.  And I must shoulder some of the responsibility to value my own pleasure, explain, and guide.

I’m still learning what turns me on, what makes me cum, and who I want to have sex with.  

If I have learned anything from this perspective shift, it is to be less judgemental of my sexuality and body.  It is unbelievable easy to critique and hate yourself in a world of perfect cum shots and tiny labia.  But part of being a vocal and satisfied woman is say, “more to the left”.


So, “more to the left”.


The problem on a large scale, is that most of the women I know have underwhelming sexual experiences.  But, they don’t frame it that way.  So often it is defined by their partner’s pleasure instead of their own.  And of course it is wonderful to get your partner off and to care for another, but it is also mandatory to have your own needs met.  I am tired (exhausted really) of hearing women say how dissatisfied they are with their pleasure.  It is time for vulva owners to unite!  To demand pleasure and enjoy it!


Marla told me that she started cumming, when she gave her long term boyfriend an anatomical tour of her genitalia and told him explicitly what felt good and what didn’t.  Sex was better for both of them, after.  She came and her partner loved giving her pleasure.


Some wonderful tools, organizations, and educators for all sexual explorers:




(All of these are great for vulva owners and those sleeping with vulva owners)


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