Down Bitch

“Down Bitch”

That’s what my friend used to call me.

She meant I’d do anything.  I would do anything for anyone at anytime.  And she was absolutely right.  I don’t demand that people respect me.  I don’t mandate that people respect my boundaries and have fair relationships with me.  More than ever I’ve been realizing, I let people use me up… because I’m a “down bitch”.

I value every person I meet.  I give endless care, reassurances, and validation to complete strangers.  I’ve done this my whole life.  A giver, that’s what people call me.  I don’t burden people with my own issues and (unfortunately) most people don’t even try to give me the kind of love I give them.  I never create boundaries and/or standards for the way people should treat me.

But, It is sex that has made me realize this “problem” I have.  I am a giver… and sex is not good for me.  Like any other area of my life, I know everything about my sexual partner’s preferences and I make it amazing for them… this isn’t reciprocated.  I let boys use my body any way they want.  Because I love them, because they are beautiful, because I think I get “something” out of it.

And I do get validation.   I feel some sort of emotional connection.  But, at least physically, I get almost nothing.  They rarely even try.  Sex is about their pleasure.  And I have been absolutely accommodating of that… a down bitch.

NOT ANY MORE

I refuse to keep having these relationships.  I’m a good person and a true caretaker (I don’t believe I’m better than anyone, but I value myself).  It isn’t fair to me to keep making these shallow relationships.  I give people compassion, empathy, time, adoration, and understanding… I’m going to start demanding that in return.  Why should I let people into my life who don’t earn their place?

And this is true for sex.  I’m going to value my own pleasure.  Of course, I want my partners to feel pleasure, but I’m not going to offer more than they give in return.  I don’t want to be a down bitch.  I want to be a girl who prioritizes herself and forms supportive and healthy relationships.

This is a problem many people have.  Loving and supporting everyone in their lives and asking for nothing in return.  A “Giving Tree” of sorts.  An almost motherly care is offered to everyone in our lives.  It is at the root of femininity (something every gender has).  It is being endlessly appeasing.  It is being no burden at all.  It is empty and painful.  

Takers… they are all over.  It is at the root of masculinity (something every gender has).  It is cocky, demanding, self-centered, and childlike.  

Most people are a combination of “giver” and “taker”, but many stick to one side… some people have it as extreme as I do (I’m only ever a giver).  But, we must endeavor to break the chains of these categories.  I refuse to be a shrinking violet.  My opinions, needs, and words deserve to be heard.  And yes, it may make me less “universally palatable”, but that is a risk I have to take.  I’m a people pleasure, but that only leads to hurt… we cannot please everyone… we cannot care for everyone…

Creating boundaries and standards is imperative to making sure they are met.  Not everyone get’s to be loved by you.  Not everyone earns it.  They may still be interesting, funny, smart people, but if they do not treat us “right”, they have not earned the right to love us.  It is difficult to stand up and demand this kind of love, especially if you are a giver, but it is imperative to feeling loved.  We cannot love and be loved, if we are being taken advantage of.  That is parental love (exclusively).  It is precious, but you don’t want to be the mother of all your friends and partners.

A down bitch never gets her own needs met.

It must be: you cum and I cum.  You share your day and I share mine.  I cry and you cry.  We coddle and hold each other.  I yell and you yell.  My sexual fantasies are fulfilled as are yours.  We battle together.  I am not the woman behind the man… we live together, as equals.

We all deserve this.

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