There is a monster inside of me. He demands to be heard. He is louder than anything else. A drama-queen, petty, shallow, erratic, irrational, and wild. He’s my ego. He’s hungry for validation. All. The. Time. He demands to be fed. And when pretty boys ask for my number, he is. I spin down the block on my way home, happy that I am “worthy”. But, when boys I like, like someone else, my monster rages. He destroys any confidence and rationality I posses. Burns it down.
I like to think my confidence is stronger and deeper than this monster, but it is not. I am shaken too easily. I don’t believe I’ll ever be able to ignore this monster. Ego is always with us… unless, perhaps, we reach some form of enlightenment (I am far from that). So, for now, I have to allow the monster to rage. To coexist with him.
Understanding him is half of it. You, dear reader, have a monster too. It might not look like mine, it definitely doesn’t have the same reactions and behaviors, that is unique to us all. But, you feed and starve him just like I do.
Satiation isn’t something ego has, though. It’s why the most beautiful people still have things they want to change about themselves and often why people cheat. This monster has a bottomless pit in his stomach. A pit that with destroy your life, if you give into it. It is my goal, then, to listen and feel this monster, but resist. When he begs to be fed, I say, “no”. I feel the hunger, instead. Relish the unrest.
I have a pattern. I fall for boys who are unavailable. They don’t want me/can’t want me for any number of reasons. I’ve fallen for gay men, taken men, and disinterested men. It’s why I seem to be the side chick more often than not. I have a type… and it is this: unattainable. Because my monster has high standards. I couldn’t care less for the boys who beg for my attention, who ask me to date them, and who treat me “right”. My monster eats them whole and is hungry again a brief moment later. That’s why I go for bigger prizes… hoping to finally be full. I try to make boys (who never will) love me. My convoluted understanding of validation makes me think that will satisfy me.
I have only realized this, recently. And I am endeavoring to change my ways. The way I live -controlled by ego- leads to inevitable pain.
It is imperative that we all name and understand ego. It lives in opposition to soul: rational, loving, honest, calm, compassionate, and authentic. We all have an ego and a soul (people call them different things, that is fine). We will all go through moments driven purely by one or the other, but most of the time we are a shaky combination of both.
I am still exploring my own ego and soul. I’m trying to love people who are kind to my soul, not tasty to my ego. No person ought to be a validation to your ego and nothing else. Fore, if one of those boys who appear unattainable, all of a sudden turned around and asked me to be with them (i.e became available)… I’d lose interest. I would win (or my monster would). I’d eat him whole and look for my next snack. That dark realization drives me to look for something more. Something beyond ego. I have to live with this part of me, and I’ll probably always have these feelings and urges, but at least I’m beginning to understand and see through them. I cannot validate my own existence by collecting people.