(Liz Phair; an icon)
“I woke up alarmed
didn’t know where I was at first
Just that I woke up in your arms
And almost immediately I felt sorry
Cause I didn’t think this would happen again”
Maybe I’m addicted to to casual love. Casual dating, casual fucking, casual infatuation. Falling for people, without any promise or goal. Going to bed with someone and being completely vulnerable and honest without any hope of spending the next day with them. Getting naked… it thrills me. I give my kisses, touches, laughs, opinions, and affection away, daily. I receive some form of intimacy back. It’s a gentle transaction, inevitably temporary. Ephemeral. I’m not saying I sleep with all these people -I wish-. But, I share some form of affection that flashes intensely and then disappears. I meet them online, in school, at work, anywhere…
I can’t say my initial intention is to keep it casual, but it always ends up that way. These 2, then 5, then 10 guys have floated in and out of my life.
Of course, I’m overplaying my own “chillness”. It isn’t as if my heart wasn’t hurt (broken would be too extreme). I haven’t been cavalier about love… well, ever, but I have these last six months. There are moments when I wake up next to pretty boys and wish I had a boyfriend… but not them. So, maybe that’s the answer to keeping it casual: go for hot and incompatible (haha). I can genuinely say I hatefuck some of these dudes. It makes me feel like a cheap/knockoff Samantha (sex and the city). But, I like it. I like exploring my own sexuality with equally unsure boys. I like being adored and then dropped (ok, I don’t like that part but it fascinates me nonetheless). I’m thrilled by dates and first kisses. I love the text: I can’t get you out of my head, as much as I like: New phone who dis?
“And what ever happened to a boyfriend
The kind of guy who tries to win you over
And what ever happened to a boyfriend
The kind of guy who makes love cause he’s in it”
I know from the first moment they begin talking about Call Of Duty and football, that they aren’t “for me”. They aren’t the kind of sweet, funny, weird guys I date and fall in love with (I don’t feel a consuming attraction to them). They are hot (conventionally so…) and my “homies” (a term I love to use, as it baffles and amuses them). Sometimes I lose interest, often they do. Some I kiss, some I fuck, some I make moves on and am painfully rejected by. It’s all part of this episode of my life. This period which I can only find humor in. If my life (and love) have previously been some sort of drama, this is a comedy. It’s as if I’m daring everything to go up in flames. When I’m texting a boy and feel that familiar flutter of “do I like-like him?” I almost smile when he disappoints me. Casual. That’s what this all has been, these last months. I hold all these experiences like dust in the wind (not to get too Kansas up in here). I’ve honestly had the thought, during the most horrific, embarrassing, devastating, and cringe worthy moments, “I can write about this” or “Marla (best friend) won’t believe this!”.
“I can feel it in my bones
I’m gonna spend another year alone
It’s fuck and run, fuck and run
Even when I was seventeen
Fuck and run, fuck and run
Even when I was twelve”
But, I’m coming to a sort of transition in this whirlwind. A change is necessary. I’m not saying i’m going to stop “casually” dating, but I’m not going to seek it out with the same gluttony. As if I could consume every boy in the world, roll over, and walk home to, “write about it”. I’m going to be calmer, less erratic, more honest, more choosy, and kinder to myself. I still want to experience boys… still have the hunger for a wild sex/dating life, but remain open to something serene as well. Which is why I’ve included this Liz Phair song throughout. Fuck and Run, a true classic. It echo’s the conflict and yearning I feel.
“And I want a boyfriend
I want a boyfriend
I want all that stupid old shit like letters and sodas
Letters and sodas”
I know that this way of treating connection is also a reflection of my current circumstances. My life is in limbo, I’m between schools, waiting for university to begin again, none of my usual comrades are about… and I feel lost. It makes sense that I would seek out relationships that reflect the stability (or lack thereof) I feel. It’s also some sort of distraction. I can swipe through Tinder rather than contemplate the uncertainties of my life. Now, I’m ready for school to start, to begin this blog, and well…”I want a boyfriend “ ………….maybe.
I’ve never looked at hookup culture with contempt. I don’t think we ought to. It is, in many ways, a reaction to a deeper societal motive. We live fast paced, perfectionist lives. We rarely endeavor towards true connection. The millennial mantra seems to be, “more, more, more”. Most of us will experience periods of “casual”. But, it’s also ok to want something deeper, or more complex. It’s strange, we’ve all seen everything to do with sex, drugs, blood/guts etc, but true emotional connection and vulnerability seem to be the new taboo. I’m accepting these experiences as they come… open to anything. It’s been awhile since I’ve “loved” and perhaps it’s time again.
(listen to Exile in Guyville by Liz Phair. It it one of the most impactful albums I’ve ever listened to)